Blue Christmas...

I broke my bat on Johnny's head

Somebody snitched on me

I hid a frog in sister's bed

Somebody snitched on me

I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug

I made Tommy eat a bug

Bought some gum with a penny slug

Somebody snitched on me

OH I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas

Mommy and Daddy are mad

I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas

'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad

I put a tack on teacher's chair

Somebody snitched on me

I tied a knot in Susie's hair

Somebody snitched on me

Next year, I'll be going straight 

Next year, I'll be good, just wait

I'd start now but it's too late

Somebody snitched on me

OH I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas

Mommy and Daddy are mad

I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas

'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad

So you better be good, whatever you do

'Cause if you're bad I'm warnin' you

You'll get nuttin' for Christmas

Sometime in my earliest youth, between 4 and 6 years old, I sang that song with my family as part of a talent show at church.  (I do not have a picture of me at this age...so enjoy a drawing I did at some other point in my childhood.)  Maybe it wasn't a talent show for sure but some kind of holiday entertainment?  Each of us kids had a line to sing and mine was "I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug" and we all sang the chorus.  I sang the song to myself all the time after that...well as much of the song as I could remember which was my line, the chorus and the line about buying gum with a penny slug because that sounded like a brilliant idea to me.  As a little kid there wasn't a thing on God's green Earth I loved more than bubble gum.  It is, in fact, the only thing I have ever shoplifted in my life.  I tucked a piece of Bazooka Joe bubble gum into the front of my shirt at the check out line at Goodwins market.  The cashier promptly caught me and made me put it back upon threat of calling the police.  Nice.  Scared shoplifting right out of me.  I think I was seven.  So, just a year or two after singing this song...obviously the message stuck.  Anyway!  My family sang this song as part of a church holiday party and I've been signing the song in my head ever since.  That was the point here.

This Christmas I've been feeling nuttin' but bad all season long.  I feel like a sh*t mom for sending my big boy to live with his grandmother.  I feel like a Scrooge for not sending holiday cards because our family is "broken".  I feel ungrateful for all the little Christmas miracles I see around me because I am so focused on the crap going on at home and in the world.  I am telling you, it is some kind of awesome to be around me this Christmas.

Somehow, I rallied a little bit on Christmas Eve.  Clare and Adell spent the day in the kitchen with me preparing our Christmas Eve feast.  They made rolls and desserts for me, helped with the mashed potatoes (the frozen, pre-made kind from Trader Joes), set the table, cleaned up, all with a cheerful attitude.  It made my Christmas Eve.  

We got word that Wyatt spent the day sledding with his cousins.  I am glad he has some variety of company and a full house for Christmas.  My sister-in-law and her family (husband and EIGHT kids) are visiting my Mother-in-law for Christmas.  Wyatt will have lots of game playing company.

We had a beautiful, little Christmas Eve feast.  I tried out a new tradition of a bouche noel/Yule log cake/kings cake (pick a tradition, that's the one I did).  I made a Swiss roll cake and tucked a little plastic baby in one piece (representing baby Jesus).  Whoever got the baby, got twenty bucks.  

Clare found the baby Jesus and did not choke on it.  Winning!

I went to bed still feeling sad.  Sad that our family would be apart tomorrow morning and thinking there wasn't a "good" reason for our family being apart this year.  

Christmas morning was lovely.  As usual, the kids got some fun things and some practical things.  One super fun gift came from Grandma Judy in the form of dollar bills stuck inside a roll of toilet paper (practical and so fun!).

Will pulled of a major surprise for the whole family, a trip to Mexico he had planned for Christmas break but had to postpone until February because of his surgery.  The kids were screaming with excitement.  Except for Wyatt, I don't know how he reacted but he will be going with us to Mexico.  Hopefully, COVID 19 will chill out enough by February and we can actually go.  Also, hopefully, all of the kid's passports will show up.  We put in applications right before the second wave of shut downs happened in California.  Who knows if anyone is even at the passport offices these days?

We got word again that Wyatt had a lovely Christmas morning at Grandma's house too.  Again, he had a full house of company, got some of the things he wanted and some of the things he needed.  

Christmas done.

If you are wondering, I still feel nuttin' but bad.  I can feel some pesky tendrils of depression wafting up to try and snatch me.  I wish I was ending this super positive post on a super positive note but I don't want to be dishonest.  It's a crummy time for me, emotionally, right this second.  Merry Christmas?