I knew it wouldn't last forever...

I mean, I'm not an idiot...but it was still a surprise and a little heartbreaking when I figured out it was happening.  Like, I knew this would all change way back in 2012 right before Colter was born.  I even blogged about it.  And I've been paying attention, watching for this change in just about every interaction since.  

I don't know the exact date...I'm not 100% sure anyway.  I know it hadn't happened last school year, not yet.  So I guess it must have happened over the summer?  I don't think so.  I think it started when 8th grade started, maybe even just a few weeks ago.  Maybe it started when all of his "your mom" jokes started (just at the tail end of 7th grade).  But I think it was after that...stupid "your mom" jokes.  I'll give them some blame anyway.

Wyatt wont say "I love you too" anymore. 

Sit with the heartbreak with me for a minute.

Sad.

I know he still loves me.  I know that.  I just don't get to hear it anymore for a little while (I hope).  It just isn't cool to tell your mom you love her.  Even if you really do.  Even if you said it and your friends gave you a funny look and you could say "What, I do love my mom!  And you love your mom too!  This isn't silly or babyish!"  But young teenage boys don't do that.  They don't want anyone to know they love their moms, even though everyone knows they love their moms.  

Now, when I hang up the phone or drop him off somewhere and say "I love you!" he just says "Mmmm"  Not even a sound of confirmation...just a sound.  

Again, sit with the heartbreak with me for another minute.

Still sad. 

I know it will change back.  He will figure out it is no big deal to tell your mom you love her.  I just hope he doesn't have to go through a phase of hating me first.  I know that can happen too.  

Yikes!

He was very little when he told me he didn't want kisses anymore.  He was three and we lived in Redwood City.  He had his own room and Lorien and Clare shared the other bedroom.  I still remember it vividly.  I tucked him into his bed, which was very low to the ground because he got a cheap IKEA mattress and it was just on a metal bed frame.  He was covered up in an orange (his favorite color) blanket I had made with a sesame street blanket (I had also made) spread on top.  I kissed his cheek and headed out of the room.  As I stood in the door frame, preparing to close him in safe and sound for the night he chirped out "I don't like kisses anymore."  

"What?" was my natural response.

"I don't like kisses anymore.  I don't want anymore kisses."

"Oh, you don't want me to kiss you anymore?"

"Yes."

"Ok," I agreed heartbreaking "I wont give you kisses anymore."

I think I snuck in a few more kisses during the day over the next few days before he told me he didn't want kisses ever.  I tried to clarify, "Oh, I thought you just didn't want good night kisses.  You mean no more kisses ever?"  That is what he meant.  And I kept my word (mostly).  

So here we are again, he didn't ask me to not tell him "I love you" but I am conflicted?  Do I keep saying it so he knows...do I just forget it and wait for him to remember it is OK to say?  What's my move here?

For now, I'm going to be heartbroken about it for a little while longer.  Even though I knew it would happen.  Even though I know it will change back, eventually.  For now, I am sad.  

Nearly 14 years old and can't let anyone know he loves his mom.  I guess I'll just post a few embarrassing pictures for good measure.

I love you Wyatt James.  Moreover, I cannot wait until it is cool (or at least ok) for you to tell me you love me too.  I know you do love me.  I know it.  I just don't get to hear it for a little while.  So I'll try to remember to say it for the both of us.  I love you.

Here's hoping this doesn't infect Colter for 10 or so years yet.  He still lets me give him kisses.  I figured out how to keep that happening.  Now to cling to the I love you with out turning him into Buster Bluth.