Waves...

picture credit http://peacewave-station.com/

So I went under tonight.  

I went through the trouble of cooking a dinner time meal.  We don't do this very often anymore...and I have a load of guilt about it.  It is just too much work to make a meal that my children will not eat and fight them to eat it without my battle companion (Will).  So most of the time we eat cereal, take out, leftovers, soup, mac n' cheese, pancakes stuff they will eat on their own with little prodding from me or stuff I can make quickly so I don't feel so destroyed when they refuse to eat.  

So I cooked, risotto with ham and green beans.  It was ok.  But only a couple of the children were interested in eating a few bites before the requests to for something else to eat began to file in.  Then Colter spilled a cup full of water over the whole table.  (I know...small potatoes...but it was enough for me.)  I whipped my hand across the spilled water sending it flying all over the place.  Then Lorien sent me to my room and I cried while I thought about what I had done.  

I just feel like I am drowning again.  I can't keep my head above the water.  I walk around all day moving through my tasks and responsibilities with this crazy-panic-weight sitting on my chest.  I can feel it when I bend down or move suddenly to one side.  I can feel it there waiting to crush me.  I am trying to do all of those things that make me feel better but the waves are catching me up and my head keeps dipping below the water.  Which is a shame, because I can see how darn beautiful the world is above the waves.  I know I have an amazing life with oh so many blessings.  But I cannot get my head above the water to enjoy it.  I just keep getting slapped by wave after wave.  

                                                                                 . . . - - - . . .